I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
