Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
