We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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