Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
