Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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