I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
