don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
