i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
