Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Drunk is not a location!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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