tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
