so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
