I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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