Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
