my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
