never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
As shirtless as possible
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
