we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Randomize
