There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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