After last night, I could never be a politician.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
