They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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