If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
