Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I am midnight drunk by noon
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
