remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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