the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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