Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You need Xanax blowdarts
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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