Im at strip club and am horny
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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