i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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