I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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