I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
