All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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