I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Randomize
