When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
