i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
