She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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