I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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