I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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