your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
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