I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
