The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
