Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
it's like iHOP with fire
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
