You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
