I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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