I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
