Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
