Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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