I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
