I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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