dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
