he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
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If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
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He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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