You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
