It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
They took my balls.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
