Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Who died my cat blue again?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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