I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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