the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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