did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
