I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If I die, sorry about rent.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
