nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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