My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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