Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
